Thursday, October 6, 2016

Being Imperfect

     I've spent most of my life in the mindset of a perfectionist. As a student, I always earned academic honors and the accolades of my teachers. This attitude carried over into the rest of my life. Many times it brought me great success. I have boxes of useless certificates and medals to attest to that. However, many more times, it brought me undue stress and fear of failure. Any former "Accelerated" student knows what I mean. The deep-down fear that if that letter grade isn't high enough, then--"Maybe I'm less than everyone else?" "Maybe I'm not really smart?" As my life changed and my focus was redirected into the role of a teacher--- my perfectionism manifested itself in too many late night and weekend work sessions, angry rants at my children and husband (who really just needed my attention and time), insecurity when praise didn't come, and self deprecation when a day didn't go as planned. (Does any day go as planned when children are involved? Ever?) Any time where I found myself faced with end results that didn't match my previous plans, I felt off balance, confused, frustrated...like I had failed. I have viewed too much of my life objectively. If I do "x, y, z," then I should be able to predict what will happen every time, similar to a multiple choice test. I always know what the answer would be. It doesn't change. And if I studied hard enough, I knew I'd get the end result I had planned. It took many years before I realized how much my narrow success and attention to detail had warped my perspective. It isn't wrong to focus on perfecting our work or checking our efforts to ensure that we have done our best---but it may be incorrect to assume that I have failed whenever the result of my efforts is valued as less than perfect (or less than I expected). When things do not go the way I have pictured them, I am apt to assume there is something wrong with me or what I have done---but perhaps the problem is more with the picture I have presumed to be reality? Women, specifically, struggle with this through social media. We see someone else's 3-second-snapshot of "perfection" and compare it to our 24/7 reality and are weighed down with the feeling of inadequacy.

   When I say that someone is successful--each one of us will instantly have created a different picture in our heads of what makes a person successful. When we imprison ourselves in our fleshly expectations, we lose our contentment and fail to see God's hand in our lives. When we lost our second baby in December of 2012, I felt the deep sense of failure that any grieving mother would feel. It was my job to grow that little one and keep him/her safe until our meeting day. I had done everything I was supposed to do--nutritionally, hormonally, spiritually--and still we spent the weeks before Christmas in mourning for the child we'd never hold. It took a long time for me to accept that I had not failed. I didn't understand how I could learn to be happy again when things were not how I had expected or planned. It took even longer for me to accept that God hadn't failed. I was angry and weak and felt God had made a mistake. Didn't He know we needed that little one to complete our family? Didn't He know we had been trying for a year and a half? Didn't He know how much this hurt--in every way that a person can hurt? I didn't understand how grief could be His perfect will for us. It's a daily process--but one that gives strength---to really understand Romans 8:28--"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
During the weeks of grieving, I covered the insides of my cabinets with verses. Whenever I felt overwhelmed or swallowed in grief, I would walk from cabinet to cabinet reciting the verses. One of those verses was 2 Samuel 22:31: "As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler to all them that trust in him." 

Romans 12:1-2: I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

   My life felt broken--but it was my definition of perfect that was actually broken. We live in a fallen, sinful world. I know that, and so do you. To expect perfect Instagram-worthy moments 24/7/365 is foolish and naive. When bad things happen or reality falls short of perfection---I need to evaluate how I am defining perfection. Four years ago, my definition included having a baby in the summer of 2013. God's plan included two more girls, but not until 2014 and 2015. Maybe your family struggles with health or financial issues?  We assume that we have failed when our situation doesn't meet OUR expectations. Instead I should focus on God's perfect will for me--that I live as a sacrifice to Him, that I am molded by his Word and not the world. THAT is perfect.
   I still find myself falling into the A+ mindset. If I don't think I will be the best, then I catch myself avoiding situations or tasks where I know I will struggle or show myself inferior to others. No one likes to looks foolish or to lose, but I have learned that sometimes I avoid activities where I wouldn't necessarily fail--but I definitely wouldn't be the best. And my flesh wants to be the best. All. the. time. This blog is an excellent example of this. There are so many more blogs that surpass mine in every way. I might not be widely read or circulated. That's why it took me a year to give in to the Spirit's yielding and start typing. I didn't want my best to be mediocre compared to someone else. But what if God's perfect will for me is one random blog post that gets to one random person who is struggling? What if that is the extent of my influence? I should be content with that--because the true success lies in following God's will completely, without the need for an audience. 

Colossians 3:23-“And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;”

    So in the Spirit of abandoning perfectionism in my own eyes and yielding to God's leading, I have been shoving down my flesh in an unexpected way lately. I am not a singer. I sing better without a piano to match with, but I'll never be asked to perform. There are any number of women in my church who bring such amazing talent to the songs of faith.  Until recently I never joined them--purely for selfish reasons. I knew I wouldn't be the best and I knew I wouldn't be earning praise after I sang. I knew I might embarrass myself, so I avoided it at all cost. However, the Lord has been putting songs on my heart over the last year or so and showing me that my reasons to not sing are vain, but the reasons to praise Him are endless.  Not singing because I don't want to look bad is just as bad as a soloist performing in church to feed his/her own pride. Why do we sing? For his glory! It's not about me. I assumed it couldn't be a blessing unless it was perfect by my standards. The Bible says, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

     So when we do things that the Lord tells us to--following his will sincerely and with a willing heart is more important than earning man's accolades. When we do that, His Strength shows through because the attention is on the Saviour and not on our abilities.  So I have sung some specials at church lately, alone and in a group. Each time, the performance has been nothing to garner admiration--but I've felt encouraged each time and affirmation from the Lord as I've shared songs that are ministering to me. That's what it's all about! I'm finally learning it's about doing His will--whether it requires us to use our strengths or our weaknesses! It's like Moses at the burning bush when God is sending him to Egypt. Moses debates with God, listing his own weaknesses and how he isn't as sufficient for the role as someone else. God is showing His power in the burning bush and Moses is quibbling over speaking skills(!!!). And didn't Christ show his power to us at Calvary and the Resurrection? 
 
    Whether you're a Momma dealing with the up-and-down cycle of potty-training, a missionary toiling in the field or on deputation, a parent staring at piles of unpaid bills, a father praying for a hurting loved one, a pastor weighed down under the pressures of the ministry, or a student facing a page of algebra problems---------Struggle is NORMAL. Struggle is EXPECTED. And God knows it. One of my favorite verses is Psalm 103:14--"For he knoweth our frame; he remembereth that we are dust."   (Do we remember that we are dust?)
    
    Our perfection does not reside within ourselves and our efforts. It never will. God knows we are human---that's why grace and forgiveness are needed. And humility is needed to accept them. That means accepting we aren't perfect...and serving Him in every capacity--whether we earn praise, ridicule or the lack thereof. Spend your life--not in the pursuit of that picture perfect dream--but by using your life to direct those around you to the perfect Saviour who died for our sins. Bring attention to His perfection, and then the rest doesn't seem so important any more.



 For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.--2 Corinthians 10:12