The fear of being insignificant...

If I'm going to start this, I might as well start with a tough one--save the easy fears for later. No dipping my toes in the water--I'm going to jump straight in--which is highly out of character for me metaphorically and literally.

We all want to matter....the most introverted wallflower wants to matter to someone---her circle may just be smaller than others. The question I'm grappling with lately is--"Who do I want to be significant to? I want to know that I matter to who?" (I realize these are grossly grammatically incorrect, but my internal conflicted self is influenced much more by emotion than by language standards.) What I am realizing is that my target audience is not who it should be.

I fear being insignificant in friendships....As a result, I'm a wallflower who conversely ends up monopolizing conversations in a desperate attempt to prove to others that, Hey! We have things in common! I'm just like you! Like me!" I've always been shy in the past, so I'm afraid of fading into the background of the lives of other people. I should be comfortable in the background since I've never been an extrovert. However, I've discovered over the last few years how much I enjoy having good friends and being social and.....I....want..to...be..liked... A part of me is scared that no one would seek my friendship the way I seek out others'.  So what does this look like?--it manifests as jealousy. Jealousy when a friend confides in someone else. Jealousy when an invitation doesn't come for an outing. Beneath that jealousy is fear--fear that I wasn't the confidante or that I wasn't invited because there's something fundamentally undesirable about me. Fear that I hold my friends in higher esteem than they hold me.      And. That's. Stupid.    (Seriously?! I'm sprinting over the whole 'fear of being honest" hurdle right now.)

I fear being insignificant in my family...I know I matter to my children and my husband--but I often feel like I am not making a difference in their lives. I'm sure this thought has plagued many a housewife whose daily contribution doesn't feel to be more than temporarily clean clothes and an even more temporarily clean house. I just want to know that I am acting as more than maid, mediocre cook, and babysitter. Am I truly training my children? or just raising them the same way a farmer raises animals? Am I teaching and showing them God's Word? Am I enjoying them and teaching them how to enjoy life? Am I showing them how to be strong? Am I teaching them and showing them where true strength resides? Am I giving my husband merely a clean home to come home to, or is our home a respite for him? Am I his spouse--or his beloved? his friend? his confidante? his encourager? The problem with all of these questions is that often the answer doesn't become apparent until long after much of the work has begun or is even completed. Many days of constant love, toil, and prayer fill the time between. I tend to see only my current situation. My husband sees the end goal. So I see menial tasks that are immediately unraveled by daily life and work that is never done. I see attitudes in my children or the all-too-familiar nightmare trip to the grocery store---And I think, "I'm a failure. Nothing I have done has made a difference." And my steady husband says, "Give it time. You're doing fine." But I don't want fine, I want success--and I want it now--and I want it everyday. (Post on the fear of not being perfect will be coming soon!)

I fear being insignificant in the world. Will anyone outside my immediate circle be changed by my life? This really became a question once I stopped working. I loved teaching middle school, but I love my girls more. Our decision for me to be at home has never been in question--in fact, we have had complete peace throughout the whole process. However, that does not mean the process has been without transitions--emotional, financial and physical. Only recently (in my second year as a SAHM), did I start to feel insignificant in relation to my lack of a secular career. I enjoyed teaching and my middle school students (most of them) enjoyed me. I love running into them outside of school or visiting with them in the school hallways.  I like being known. I know that sounds prideful, but remember this blog is focused on full honesty. And I suppose every person wants to be known and remembered--that's why men erect huge statues and name cities and streets after themselves. So do I mean that I want constant accolades and popularity? I never thought so, but maybe that is what my human nature desires. After visiting the school where I used to teach recently, I was caught off guard by how much I miss teaching. I still teach my children and the young girls at church. However, I miss the challenge and the relationships I built with students. I miss being a part of their lives. I miss the appreciation. That feels awful to admit, but it's true. We all like to hear we are appreciated and that we have been important to someone else.

So what's wrong with me? Simply put, I'm human, and I'm out of focus. Who should I focus on pleasing with my life? How will I know if my life is significant? (Because I really fear the idea of getting to the end and finding out my life amounts to clean dishes, small talk, and folded laundry...) I want to matter. However, I can't look to other people to answer that question for me. Everyone has a different version of significance and success--family, money, survival, business, athletics, philanthropy, etc. I need to turn to the constant source of Truth. What does God say about my life and its significance? What does He say about who I should please?

• James 4:14--Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away.

• Job 8:9-- (For we are but of yesterday, and know nothing, because our days upon earth are a shadow:)

• Isaiah 40:6-....All flesh is grass, and all the goodliness thereof is as the flower of the field:

Ouch! Not exactly good for the ol' self esteem. :) But there is beauty in realizing cosmic insignificance is normal. This breeds humility, not stagnancy. It's freeing to realize my confidence doesn't need to rest in my talents, abilities, or lack thereof. It is grounded on that fact that I was created with a purpose!

• Psalm 8:4-6-- What is man, that thou art mindful of him? and the son of man, that thou visitest him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. Thou madest him to have dominion over the works of thy hands; thou hast put all things under his feet:

Realizing my life is merely a drop in the bucket of history reminds where true power lies. And it also makes me realize how amazing it is that our God loves, saves, and chastens us, despite our futility and failings! My power, my focus, my purpose (should) stem from Him. 

• Colossians 1:16-- For by him were all things created, that are in heaven, and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones, or dominions, or principalities, or powers: all things were created by him, and for him:

• Colossians 3:23--And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;

I am significant not in my own abilities, but in the fact that I am saved by the blood of Christ. The measure of my significance should lie in how I fulfill my purpose of pleasing Him. I often feel unappreciated/insignificant because it seems that all I do is not seen by anyone. No one is watching or applauding my efforts. But this is where I am mistaken; my Saviour is always watching. And I should be striving to please Him. Trying to gain the attention and appreciation of my fellow man is as fleeting and frivolous as a young student acting out in class. He seeks the attention of his peers and wants to be noticed---all the while, he is missing out on the lessons of the master and on strengthening his relationship with someone whose purpose is to guide him.